Infidelity has to be one of the most painful relationship issues
that a couple can face.
>From the perspective of the person who is cheated on, the
initial experience feels something like this:
Your heart races and the bottom falls out of your stomach. You
shake in your boots and wonder when time stopped. You ask
yourself, “Can this really be happening?” Your brain replies
with two responses. First, your logical mind begins looking for
clues, “Is it real, how did it happen, how didn’t I see it, and
who is the other person?” While at the same time, your emotional
mind screams back, “Oh my God! Why??? How could they do this to
me? I thought they loved me?” All of these messages come
shooting through your thoughts in an instant. And that’s just
what happens in the first 10 seconds…
The after effects are harder to deal with.
Everyone faces infidelity differently but we do share a common
core set of feelings. We get angry — “How dare you do this to
me!” We feel sad, “I’m devastated that this happened.” We become
afraid, “How can I ever trust that this won’t happen again?”
Finally, we feel remorse, “I should have seen this coming.”
These feelings cycle — first you feel them all together and
then slowly you begin to feel each one more profoundly, on a
deeper level. This time can be the hardest because you’re
circling around your emotions and analyzing them on a minute
level — often one memory at a time. Many infidelity survivors
report rethinking their past few months of interactions with
their partner, searching for clues, anything that would have
foretold what was happening. Something that they can put their
finger on and use in the future to prevent a cheating partner
from striking again.
The plain truth is that infidelity can crush a relationship. In
one hurtful act, a beautiful union can be shattered into a
million tiny pieces. For many folks, being cheated on is
something they never fully recover from. The experience alone
changes them forever.
How can you deal with this and not have it scar you permanently?
The one, and only, answer here is to face it. Now we’re not
talking about tearing a band-aid off, but we are talking about
looking at what happened and why. There is no miracle cure but
there are remedies that can help you to heal.
As relationship coaches, we talk with hundreds of callers about
infidelity. Surprisingly enough, cheating is most often
something that has happened in our caller’s past that is
coloring how they approach relationships today. The most common
manifestation of a history of being cheated on is trust issues.
How can you trust again when someone so close to you betrayed
you in such a demeaning way? This is a good, and valid, question
to ask.
When it comes to healing, there are stages everyone must
traverse through, and we would be happy and honored to help you.
If you have just found out, we can help you to process your
feelings and determine the logical steps that you need to take
to insure that you’re safe and that your most basic needs are
being addressed. Things that become important at this time are:
dealing with your children, setting boundaries so that you are
not abused further, and looking at how you want to face the
day-to-day issues so that you can do simple things, like going
to work and maintaining your composure.
If you’re past the initial shock, healing for both yourself and
your partner are important. Do you want to stay together? How
can you forgive? Have you ever really expressed your sadness and
anger about what happened? If not, how can you do this safely so
that your partner doesn’t abandon you again? Ask Mars Venus
Coaches can help here too. Forgiveness is always based on
completely processing your feelings — all of them. We can teach
you how to do this. Remember, there is more to being angry than
yelling and more to feeling sad than crying. Being cheated on
brings all of these emotions up, and more.
Finally, if you’re ready to move on, either together or solo,
how do you really start over? What do you need to heal so that
your next relationship is not plagued by this awful experience?
The biggest question of all is… how can you make sure that you
have forgiven yourself? Answering this question fully and
honestly will help you to not bring this baggage to your next
relationship.
What if you’re already dating someone new? Your past does not
have to act as a crystal ball for your future. You have the
power to change that. It just takes having the courage to take a
step.
The Ask Mars Venus Coaches are experts in helping clients to
heal from infidelity. At all stages of the process, we are able
to help isolate the core issues that you may be facing and work
with you to heal them. Coaching is a partnership in the true
sense of the word. Even if you only call one time, that can help
to get you started.
If you are suffering and have been the victim of a cheating
spouse or lover, we want to help. Coaches are available 18 hours
a day, 7 days a week. We help people with infidelity every day
and would be happy to be part of your healing process too. To
learn more, please visit us at http://www.askmarsvenus.com .
We also offer recommendations for coaches based on your
experience and our coach’s expertise. If you would like a
recommendation, please send us a brief description of your
situation and we will send you some information about who would
be the best coach for you to meet with. Please click here to
send us a personal email:
http://www.askmarsvenus.com/contactus.php
Remember, as painful as infidelity is, you’re not alone. Please
remember that in the days and months ahead.